so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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