I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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