I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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