Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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