Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This is the high leading the old right now
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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