I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
