you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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