Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize