mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
