Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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