Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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