my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
