One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
