Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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