She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
