I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
