i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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