i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
