I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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