wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
