I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
