god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
