I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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