By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
