i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You pole danced in your parka.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
