Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
