Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
