Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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