I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Your cock deserves a montage
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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