wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I AM VODKA MAN
They have beer where we have blood.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
