There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
