i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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