I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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