I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
