Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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