I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm sobbing to NWA
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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