sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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