Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
