Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You've changed since you got that strap on
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
