At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
