Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
