I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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