If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
