i just made my gag reflex go away.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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