shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
where are you?
Hypothermia
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
