so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
