if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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