I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
