just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
