By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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