I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize