eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
