it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
