then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
