im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
