there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize