I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
