I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
