How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
